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Work around reality, don't fight it
Friday, 1 September 2006
What makes me so angry that I want to scream? Almost always the event takes a similar form. It's when reality doesn't behave as I expect it to.
I think this is true for a lot of other people as well. Annoying stuff happens to us all the time, but it's the unexpected things that seem to really upset us. When people or things don't behave in the way we think they should, it seems to drive us crazy.
Here are a few examples of things that would make almost anyone fume:
- Having a boss who treats you with less respect than you feel you deserve.
- Discovering your spouse, who you thought was faithful, is in fact cheating on you.
- Having your commute home from work extended for an hour due to some kind of unexpected delay.
The common thread running through all of these is that reality isn't behaving in the way we think it should.
Other people not acting as expected, also makes most people extremely angry. We all have rules of behavior, and if someone crosses them, we fume with rage. This is made most obvious when someone moves to a new country. Every country has its own subtle rules for behaving, and new arrivals almost inevitably accidentally break them.
If you understand and accept reality for what it is, rather than how you wish it were, you're likely to get by much better. You'll also find yourself becoming angry less often.
Take, for example, a person who deals with used-car salespeople for the first time and expects them to be completely honest. Such a person is likely to be in for a rude shock.
I often meet people who become incredibly angry at the unethical behavior they've been subjected to after dealings with used-car salesmen. This is understandable. Nobody likes to be cheated.
But a realistic approach is to understand that used-cars is an industry that often attracts less than honest people. If you take what's said to you by a salesperson at face value, you're virtually asking to be cheated. Instead, you should completely discount them as a supplier of information and instead seek information from more credible sources.
Everyone has weaknesses, and it's silly to pretend otherwise. It's inevitable that some people you meet will be rude, dishonest, incompetent or stupid.
A lot of things in the world aren't the way we wish they were. Accept this truth and work around it.
Rather than raging against the facts that things often aren't fair, people usually aren't saints, and bad things happen to good people, simply accept them and try to make the best of things. Work around these faults with reality, rather than beating your head pointlessly against them.
The best way to approach the world is to understand and acknowledge it for what it is - warts and all. Think to yourself "Sure it would be great if everything was perfect, but it isn't. How can I avoid those imperfections or use them to my advantage?"
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