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Learn the gentle art of paying compliments
Monday, 28 August 2006
Often in life, it's the areas which others ignore that hold the best prospects. When everyone around you is using the same strategy for getting ahead, you can find a easier and better method simply by looking elsewhere.
A classic example of this is in the area of human relationships. Dealing with other people is something we all have to do whether we like it or not. Convincing others to like you, respect you and be persuaded by you is one of the most important skills you can learn.
If you can figure out which buttons to push, your relationships with other people can be wonderful and rewarding. If you can't, they're often frustrating and nasty.
In modern life, the majority of people only see one way of influencing others - through fear.
If you want your kid to behave, you threaten to ground him. If you want a subordinate to work harder, you threaten to outsource her job to India. If you want good service, you threaten to complain to the manager.
Manipulating others through fear is the simplest strategy available in human relations. Most children figure it out by age three, and proceed to bully each other in the playground as a result. The reason so many people use it is simple - sometimes it works.
But fear is a blunt tool for persuading others to do as you want them too. For many people it's the only tool they know how to use. As the old saying goes, if all you've got is a hammer then every problem starts to look like a nail.
In most situations, there's a better way to manage your relationships and that's by using reward. Specifically, rewarding people through recognition.
Most people crave recognition, but they get so little of it that simply by giving out some, they'll see it as a significant event. Almost everybody dreams, deep down inside, of standing in front of an audience being applauded for doing something special. Even criminals enjoy their activities as much for the notoriety as the monetary rewards.
If someone does something for you, make a point of saying "thank you" and "excellent job". Compliment those you meet on their hair, their clothes, and their sense of humor. Do so sincerely, and you'll be remembered for it.
This method is better than the fear one for three reasons.
Firstly, it's just nicer. Why make someone feel bad when you can achieve similar results through making them feel good?
Secondly, people are less resistant to it. We all have people trying to threaten and frighten us so often, that most of us have developed sophisticated counter-strategies. Pushing the fear button can often result in negative and unexpected consequences.
Thirdly, it's likely to have a bigger impact on someone's thought process because most people get complimented so rarely. Once people see that you're someone who makes them feel good through recognition, they'll often want to get this reward from you again and again.
Make a conscious effort to learn the fine art of paying people sincere compliments. Watch their reaction to see which way works best.
Don't see giving out recognition as a debt that has to be repaid - by, for example, getting angry if they don't compliment you back. Instead just give out quality acknowledgements often, and you'll start to notice positive results.
Best of all, doing so costs nothing.
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