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A lot of bad behavior is just negotiation in disguise
Sunday, 26 November 2006
Go to almost any shopping center, anywhere in the world, and here's something you're likely to see - a child throwing a temper tantrum. To the obvious embarrassment of his mother, he'll scream and throw himself on the floor. His face will turn red and his voice will reach a high-pitch.
We've all seen it, in fact we've certainly all done it.
What's the point of this bad behavior? Usually it's because the mother has refused to buy some trifle that the boy desperately desires. She's not doing what he wants her to, so he's trying to force her hand. The tantrum is simply a negotiation technique.
From the day we're born, we all soon come to realize that many of the things we want are controlled by other people. Our mother decides when to feed us, our father decides whether to buy us that new toy, and our schoolmates decide whether we'll be popular or an outcast. As we grow up, this situation continues to be the case: our boss decides if we get a promotion, our partner decides if we get sex, our parents decide if we get an inheritance, and so on.
Many of our dealings with other people involve some form of negotiation. We may want something as abstract as status, friendship, power or love from them; or as concrete as money, security, or a parking space. Whatever it is, often the decision isn't completely in our power. We have to convince somebody else to look after our best interests.
We have to negotiate with them.
And so from an early age, most of us start to develop techniques to do this. We try stuff out to see if it works. And most of us aren't shy about attempting to force the other person's hand. If we can see that throwing a temper tantrum will get us what we want, we'll do so. If we think that abuse will make things go our way, then we'll use it.
Often when I meet people who are badly behaved - abusive, rude, complaining, or violent - I see this as the root cause of their behavior. They're trying to negotiate, and these are the techniques that have worked for them in the past.
It's no different from a used car salesman who tells you the price is much higher than he's actually willing to accept. He's just trying it on, to see if he can trick more out of you than he expects to get.
It's the same with the badly behaved. By getting you emotionally imbalance, they think you'll make a mistake in their favor.
See such techniques for what they are and react accordingly - with coldness and calculation. Let them see you're not impressed with their primitive tricks, and they're not going to work on you.
Of course, often people turn to such techniques when it's totally inappropriate to do so. I see this as a failure of intelligence and imagination. The strategies that used to work for them aren't effective anymore in the new environment, but they're too stupid to think up something better.
Sometimes, such techniques are used even when there's no obvious reason for doing so. How many of us haven't been in a situation when someone we work with has been rude for no apparent reason?
However, if you look carefully, they often have something to gain. Perhaps it's status, or maybe they're just softening you up for an anticipated future negotiation.
You can see this type of behavior going on even at the highest levels of international politics. Many poor nations are ignored or patronized by the powerful. But if they can act crazy and dangerous by, say, threatening their neighbors or developing nuclear weapons, then the entire picture changes. Suddenly, powerful nations will start demanding talks and the rich world's media will be buzzing about the threat posed.
When the powerful turn up to speak to the poor nation's leader, the first thing they'll say is: "What can we give you to stop you engaging in this terrible behavior".
Neat negotiation device, huh? A country that would normally be ignored, suddenly has the world's most powerful people in its throes. Of course, this is a dangerous game that can easily backfire, but usually it doesn't. Extra aid payments and other such goodies are virtually guaranteed.
When people act crazy and badly behaved around you, try your best to see through their tactics. What they're engaged in is almost certainly some kind of negotiation technique. Let them see you're not falling for it, and they'll likely change.
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