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Six secrets of successful long-term relationships
Monday, 27 March 2006
My wife and I have been in a very loving relationship for nine years now. During the same period, I've seen some friends' relationships fall apart. Here are my secrets for a successful long-term relationship.
Both parties have to want to make it work
It takes two to tango, and it takes two to make a long-term relationship work. No matter how much one person wants things to be successful, if the other partner isn't committed, the relationship will likely fall apart. Without the dedication of both people, there is no trick to make things thrive.
You have to be willing to sacrifice things you may want, in order to keep your partner happy
Selfish people have bad relationships. That's just a fact of life. If the only thing you're thinking about is what you can take from the bond between you, don't be surprised if things take a turn for the worse. Be willing to sometimes sacrifice your own wants, so your partner can get some of their needs filled. A lasting bond can only be created if both people see the happiness of their partner as a priority up there with their own satisfaction.
Make an effort to fill your partner's needs for sex and romance
Sex is often a hidden stress-point in any relationship. People have different sex drives, and that may come between you. For many people, sex is a biological need, like hunger.
Romance is also something some people need a lot of in their life. This applies particularly to women.
Ignore these needs at the peril of your relationship. If someone feels they're not getting fed well enough at home, the thought of ordering take-out is likely to cross their minds. And there's little point trying to moralize these truths away. Feeling you've been dealt an injustice is little comfort when your relationship ends because you've ignored your partner's needs for sex and romance.
Discuss finances openly and be willing to compromise
Money is a big problem in many relationships. People have different attitudes to finances that can put a terrible strain on things. Some people don't care if they rack up huge debts for throw-away consumer goods. Other people would never spend another cent if they thought they could find a way.
Realize that your attitude to money and your financial behavior will have a big effect on your partnership. Find out what you expect from each other with regards to this, and make efforts to compromise.
Have some fun together
Sometimes, long-term relationships can seem to be all about sacrifice. Working hard for the mortgage, the household chores, and the kids can really create a strain. Take some time out at least once a week to do something enjoyable together. Have some laughs with each other and remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place.
Give the other person some space
If you try to impose your own values, schedule, and priorities on your partner, they'll start to feel as if you're trying to own their life. Give them some freedom to do what they want to. Let them go out with friends, have some quiet time alone, and some space in the household to do with as they please. Someone who feels suffocated will soon fight their way out of the situation that's doing it to them.
So there they are, my six secrets. I hope they work as well for you as they have for me.
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