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Some people just aren't worth bothering with
Wednesday, 26 April 2006
I once had a good friend who was a very charming guy. We met at school and quickly ended up getting along well. He was friendly, popular, handsome and knew how to make people laugh.
But he also had an ugly side.
This part of his personality didn't come out very often, but when it did, it happened with a vengeance. He would deliberately start fights; he would steal from people who had been nice to him; and he would be violent with his girlfriends.
These things didn't happen that often, but anyone who got to know him well saw that side of him.
But when he was being charming, he was so charming that you completely forgot about his darker half. Almost everyone who met him liked him. He seemed to have a grip over those around him. He was also very loyal to those who he felt were his true friends, and could be extremely generous.
Despite the terribleness of his shadowy side, people tended to forgive him for the appalling acts he committed. It may sound strange to hear without actually meeting him, but he was so charismatic that those around him could overlook the horrible things he sometimes did. It was as if he was testing how far he could push people and still have them come back to him.
While this may be an extreme example, I'm sure you know somebody who exhibits similar characteristics. A person who seems charming and everyone seems to like and treat well no matter how bad their behavior. Such people are common.
It may be the guy at work who will say something abusive and horrible one moment, and then be all smiles and compliments the next. Or the girlfriend who will act as if you are the love of her life, and then kiss a stranger in a bar right in front of you. Or it might be the relative who talks about how important family is to them, before doing something completely horrible.
I'm sure I don't have to draw any more of a picture for you, everybody knows people like this.
It took me a few years to figure out, but in the end I decided that such people aren't worth having anything to do with. They don't really care about others, and their charm is just a convincing act to get what they want.
Whether it's to borrow money and never pay it back, the ego-trip of watching someone return to the fold after you've been completely nasty to them, or a power game to confuse people into doing their bidding - ultimately the behavior is all for their own benefit.
Such personalities can be extremely charming and convincingly sincere, and you'll often see people trying desperately to make friends with them. They are experts at deluding people that if you are nice and patient enough, you may just be able to change them.
People like this never change, and if you look at your own examples, I'm sure you'll find that this is true for them too.
Surprisingly, letting such people know that you don't want anything to do with them can have a very powerful effect on their behavior towards you. Such personalities crave attention and see anything as better than being ignored. They'd prefer you yell at them, hit them, or abuse them - anything but politely showing that you aren't impressed and couldn't care less what they do or think. If you react in this way, you may well find yourself on the receiving-end of a charm-offensive as they try to draw you into their circle.
Don't fall for it!
They'll soon be back to their bad old ways once they think they've suckered you in.
This type of personality does not deserve to be rewarded with any attention whatsoever. Don't get mad, don't try to make friends with them, just ignore them and your life will be better for it.
 | Look for the underlying pattern | | We humans are pattern-spotting machines. The world can often seem complex and random, but if you look under the covers, you can sometimes find an underlying pattern for its behaviour. In fact, it's the discovery of such patterns that have driven our development forward in many areas. |  | Don't get too easily discouraged | | Occasionally, you may come across someone who appears as if they were born an expert in something. Perhaps it's sport, meeting people, business or family. Some of us just seem to be stars, while others are common. | | Test yourself out on the real world | | Each of us lives in two different places. The real world in which our bodies are firmly anchored, and a shadow-world of fantasies, rules-of-thumb and strategies that flows in the space between our ears. | | Fill your life up with interesting stuff | | We all feel a bit down sometimes. "To be or not to be, that is the question;" Shakespeare's Hamlet famously said. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer, The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing, end them." |  | My eight best negotiation tips | | Negotiation is a part of life we all have to deal with. Being able to do so successfully can make a big difference to our outcomes. Here are eight tips that have helped me. | | Is there something you want? Why not ask for it? | | One of the big differences that I've noticed between those who get what they want and those who don't comes down to one simple behavior - whether they're willing to ask for it. |  | Understanding the games people play | | A very interesting book, for anyone who's interested in the psychology of human relationships, is Games People Play by Eric Berne. Dr Berne is a psychiatrist who developed the theory of transactional analysis, which looks at the ways people interact with one another. Specifically, he's interested in the psychological games people play. | | Generally, it's best just to tell people what they want to hear | | Some people live to tell others what they're doing wrong. They see themselves as some sort of ivory-tower dwelling soul, gazing mercifully down on the rest of us and having the generosity to point out our faults when they see it as necessary. I'm sure you meet such people all the time. | | Be adaptable in a changing world | | When I look and listen to the people around me, I get the impression that many of them are terribly afraid of change. You can see it in the way they cling desperately to a job they hate, keep friends who are obviously bad for them, and stay in abusive relationships. | | It's not going to just fall into your lap | | I meet a lot of people who are dissatisfied with their lives. They feel they don't have enough money, enough love or enough recognition. They see others around them getting all the rewards while they're passed by for the good things in life. |
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