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Why the mating game can be so ruthless
From the most popular movie star to the lowest beggar, we all get hurt and confused by the mating game. Love can be cruel as well as wonderful, but understanding some of what's going on at a physical level can help to deal with those more difficult times.
What is love exactly?
That's a question that's kept thousands of story-tellers and song-writers busy over the millennia. It seems to be part-spiritual and part-friendship, with a lot of physicality thrown in for good measure. Science has uncovered a lot of the physical aspects of the mating game recently, and that's what I'll look at in this article.
Operating beneath the conscious and social world that we all know well is a kind of nether-world. A secret society that makes its presence known by providing us with strong emotional motivations that we often barely understand.
That's the world of genetics.
Inside each of our cells are genes with only one purpose in life - to perpetuate themselves. They're engaged in the most high-stakes and ruthless game yet devised by living creatures - the hunt for immortality.
In the human version of the game, the only way to win is to pass on your genetic code to the next generation. And the only way to do that is to find a partner who's willing to produce an offspring with you.
But the game's not as simple as just that, because producing a new carrier for your genes isn't enough. To win the game of immortality, your genes have to make sure that your offspring also have an opportunity to reproduce, and their offspring, and their offspring, and so on. A million-year perspective has to be taken in, when deciding what's the best strategy for genetic reproduction.
All the things we consciously obsess over in our everyday lives - all the other games we play - pale into insignificance when compared to the high-stakes gamble our genes must take in trying to perpetuate themselves.
In ten-thousand years, most of today's great fortunes will be lost. The art we love, the superstars we worship, the businesses we build, and the sports victories we win will all be long forgotten.
But if our genes play their cards right, a little piece of us will continue to live on inside our descendents. Just as the day-to-day concerns of our ancestors from ten thousand years ago are insignificant to us, but they live on inside us through their mating success. So to will the results of our mating decisions today echo down through the ages.
And of course, if our genes fail to perpetuate themselves - if we fail to find a suitable partner because of death, disease, or simple unattractiveness - the game will be over for our particular genetic makeup forever. No second chances are given.
Sport doesn't come much higher-stakes than that. So how do you win the great genetic immortality contest?
There are two basic strategies. One is to have as many offspring as possible. The other is to have few offspring, but choose who to sire them with carefully - and invest a lot of resources in providing them with a good chance of reproductive success.
Which strategy is best depends on what position you're in.
A man can, theoretically, have a huge number of offspring. So long as even a small number of them survive to reproduce, he will have continued his part in the great game. Of course, the most desirable partners for him are those who appear to have good genetic characteristics - beauty, health, intelligence and so on.
A woman, meanwhile, can produce fewer offspring. She must invest at least nine months of physical difficulty to produce even one child. And so her best strategy is often to have fewer children and invest resources in giving them the best chance of going on to reproduce. That means caring for them, educating them, and making sure they grow up healthy. She also has a big incentive to choose a partner carefully, both for his genetic attractiveness and his ability and willingness to invest in children.
These two basic strategies can be mixed and matched, or ignored altogether. Like in any complex game, all sorts of weird and wonderful tactics can be used. And often, the most obvious strategy isn't the best one.
And so our genes influence us to find the best way of perpetuating them. Depending on what sex you are, what your social position, how attractive you are, and all sorts of other factors your strategy will vary. Those around you will have different incentives and wants to yourself, depending on their own situation.
With a chance of immortality at stake, and genetic death as a consequence of having played badly, it's little wonder the game can be cruel and ruthless at times. Every person involved is scheming and positioning themselves for the best possible outcome, and to hell with who gets hurt along the way.
After all, you wouldn't expect someone to take your feelings into account if you were competing in the Olympics against them. If you lose because I'm a faster runner than you - too bad for you.
All competitive activities from business, to sport, to gambling can be cruel and ruthless - and the stakes in these fields pale into comparison with the great genetic race.
Of course, our genes only influence us, they don't control us completely. They can manipulate our emotions while trying to get us to do what they want us to, but it doesn't always work. We can make conscious decisions that throw a spanner in the works of all their plans no matter how well conceived. We can, for example, take birth control to ensure we never have children. Or we can decide not to pursue the person who seems most suitable for us.
However, it's naive to ignore their influence on our thoughts and feelings. From the moment we're conceived, our genes will be pulling at least some of our strings, trying to force us into helping them win their game. Beneath the conscious decisions we make in our love lives, will be these hidden influences - always watching and whispering into our ears.
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