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Six ways to improve your friendships
Sunday, 21 May 2006
We'd all like to be more charismatic. Having people like you better carries all sorts of benefits. Here's a quick list of things likely to make that happen.
Genuinely listen to people
Everyone wants others to listen to what they're saying. Yet this is less available than might be expected. Often, in conversations, you may suspect that the other person drifts off half-way through your sentence. Worse, they may be just waiting for you to finish so they can blurt out their own observations. When it comes to the give and take of conversation, most people would rather be talking than listening.
Turn this instinct on its head by making a genuine effort to pay attention. Not only will you likely learn more that way, but the other person will appreciate it and will probably think better of you.
Don't be too needy
Friendship, especially long-lasting friendship, comes with a number of obligations. Unfortunately, many people think they can milk this fact. They start to see their friends as suckers who they can use for their own purposes.
I once knew a girl who'd make all sorts of demands on her friends. If they knew about mechanics, she's have them fix her car. If they had money, she'd try to borrow it and not pay it back. If she wanted to do something, she'd demand they come along. Whenever anyone said "no" to her, she'd become angry and abusive. Not surprisingly, her friends soon vanished.
People want companionship so they can increase their enjoyment of life, not so they can become somebody's slave or emotional crutch. If you try to obligate your friends to follow your commands, you'll soon lose them.
Say "yes" when they ask you out
A lot of people want a companion so they've got somebody to do things with. They might want to play tennis, have a party, or go to a movie. Because of this, people love someone who is generally obliging when invited out. On top of that, you'll be having a good time with them, which will make them like you better.
Many people seem to have a default response of "no" when invited out. They make no effort at all to spend time with their friends, and are inflexible about what they'd like to be doing. If you're one of these people, don't be surprised if your phone stops ringing.
Learn how to make people laugh
Everyone loves to laugh. It helps release the emotional tension we often feel. It's also one of the more enjoyable aspects of being alive. If you can learn to make people laugh, they'll love having you around.
This is a skill that can be learnt. I've gone into ways to do so in this article.
Be generous
If you're generous with your money and things, people will see that you really like them. This will likely make them like you.
Someone who's stingy with friends is a big turn-off for many people. Somebody who creates an argument about paying a couple of dollars more than they consumed on a restaurant bill, or disappearing when it's their turn to buy the drinks, may save themselves a bit of money. But they'll not be well thought of among their friends.
There's a fine line to be walked between generosity and being a sucker. Generally, I think it's best that you decide when to give. If someone's demanding you hand over something that you don't really feel obligated to, then don't.
Small acts of generosity, where you make it clear you expect nothing in return, can go a long way towards making people like you better. If you buy a cake for your workmates, for example, they'll likely be very happy about it.
Take steps to reduce discomfort in others
Sometimes, human relationships can have uncomfortable moments. Someone might say or do something that you can see they regret. Let them off the hook and they'll be very grateful.
If someone does something that disadvantages you, but isn't that big a deal, let them know that you're not really that bothered. Of course, as with my generosity point, don't become a sucker about it.
So there they are, my six ways to improve your friendships. I hope they work for you.
 | A good strategy for learning difficult subjects | | Some things are just difficult to study. They contain complicated facts that are confusing to the uninitiated. Having to learn such things can be a very frustrating experience! What's the best strategy to cope? |  | Don't buy into the "no fear" bulldust | | Okay, stand back and hold your breath. I'm about to question one of the quasi-religious commandments of personal development. It's the one that says fear is all bad and should be overcome. That the aim of life should be to "live without fear", usually followed by some blather about love being the opposite of fear. |  | Be generous to the future | | The future is like a giant spiritual bank account. You can invest in it, or withdraw from it any time you like. How you treat this bank account plays a big part in deciding how successful you are. | | It's hard to appreciate the emotional impact of something until you experience it | | When I was a young adult, the father of a friend of mine passed away. My friend had a very close relationship with his father, and was devastated. He went into a deep depression for a number of months. |  | Perfect contentment leads to stagnation | | Have a look at how so many of us live our lives. We get up in the morning, go out all day and work, work, work. Whether in a rich country or a poor one, a good neighbourhood or bad, you can be sure that most of the people around you will be working most of the time. | | Don't reward bad behavior in yourself and others | | Almost everyone has done things in life that they knew at the time were wrong. But sometimes, there seems to be an overwhelming force pushing towards what we know is going to be a bad outcome. Why can't we control ourselves? | | Recognise the two universes you live in | | One of my favourite works of fiction is His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman. It's about parallel universes that exist, similar to our own but all different. The main characters find doors between these universes and go off on great adventures. | | Find something to live for | | I've just finished reading Viktor Frankl's “Man’s Search for Meaning”, which I think is a very interesting book. Frankl is a neurologist and psychiatrist who has developed a theory called Logotherapy. | | Beef up your mental toolkit | | We are all born with certain reasoning tools which are popularly referred to as "common sense". We know that it's a good idea to avoid pain, for example. | | Accumulate lots of small victories | | When I was at school, a teacher told me an interesting fact. Well, when I say fact, I'm not sure if it was really true. It's more of an interesting allegory. He said that the ancient Romans used to build all their roads in a zig-zag pattern rather than a straight line. |
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