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Let people underestimate you
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
A lot of people who come to like and admire me admit they didn't think much of me when we first met. I'm not sure if it's that I'm not a particularly striking person on first impression, or if it's simply that most people aren't. Certainly when I look at a crowd of strangers on the train, there's very few among them that catch my attention.
A lot of books and magazine articles preach that you "only have 30 seconds to make a good impression" or something similar. Certainly that's true of first impressions, but in my experience, this isn't such a big deal. In fact, if you try to make a big impact on first meeting, I generally find you just end up looking like a bit of a fool. Most people are pretty good at detecting attempts to manipulate them by strangers, and managing first impressions is an easy way to fall into this trap.
Of course, you should dress well, be polite and give off a relaxed demeanour. But don't go overboard trying to turn yourself into an instant hit in somebody else's life.
What I've found is far more impressive is if you allow people to gradually discover you as somebody extraordinary. Drip feed them information about your achievements, or even better, let them discover it themselves.
When I look back on my own life, this is certainly how it's worked for me. Most of the people who've grown to be close friends, I barely noticed or even disliked on first meeting. Almost all of the girls I eventually fell for had barely any impact on me when I first saw them.
This subtle method of seducing people is extremely powerful in my experience. It allows you to come in under the sceptical shields most people put up. A mind filled slowly with praise for you is a much more powerful ally than one you manage to shock into submission over the short term.
That's why I think it's generally not a big deal if people underestimate you to begin with. Rather than desperately trying to correct that "error" and making a fool of yourself, instead let them have time to warm to you. If you come into regular contact with them, their impression will likely change dramatically if you prove to have qualities that you didn't brag about, or even actively hid.
Don't get as hung up on first impressions as the various self-help outlets would have you do. There are few situations worth worrying about where such things are a big deal. Most of the important relationships in your life will have a chance to get formed over the long-term. Take your time.
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