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How to deal with bullies
Sunday, 19 March 2006
One of the biggest problems many of us face comes in the form of bullies - that is, people who deliberately torment others. Of course, bullies come in many different forms, from the schoolyard tough-guy, to the "friend" who tries to scare you into doing things for them, to the brutal dictator of a country. Many of humanity's greatest crimes have been committed by bullies such as Hitler and Stalin. They are clearly a menace to us all, so how should we deal with them?
This problem isn't a simple one to resolve, but here are a few suggestions:
We shouldn't let them get away with it
Bullies are generally allowed to torment their victims because those around who could step in don't do so. This is what Edmund Burke meant when he said: "The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing."
One of the big differences between civilized countries, and those still struggling to lift themselves out of chaos, is the public attitude towards bullies. We have strong laws in developed countries to deal with those who threaten violence and destruction against others. But in many ways, we haven't gone far enough.
Bullying is not something to be tolerated: whether at school, in the workplace, or on the street. It is not something positive that "toughens us up", but is instead a negative force that leads the undeserving to be crippled by fear. It prevents us from getting on with enjoying our lives.
If you're in a position to prevent a bully from getting away with it - do so. Especially, never make excuses for them, or try to blame the victim.
Don't let them be rewarded for their behavior
Many bullies make life difficult for others because they think it will help them get what they want. It may be that they want you to give them money, or work harder for them, or boost their standing in front of their friends.
Let them see that this behavior isn't going to work. Deliberately prevent them from getting their reward if possible.
A few years back, I started a new job and it became clear quickly that my boss was a bully. He ridiculed his workers, demanded they work overtime without warning, and threatened them with sacking. Within days of starting the job, I looked for another. Four weeks later I had one, and I told my bullying boss I was going somewhere else to work.
His attitude to me immediately changed. He begged me to stay, saying he'd have real trouble finding someone else with my skills. He told me that, through my leaving, his project would be in danger of not succeeding. Needless to say, I wasn't very sympathetic and left as soon as I could.
Those who put up with his behavior by staying were rewarding him for doing so. I was determined not to.
If possible, have nothing to do with them
One of the best ways to deal with bullies is through social exclusion. Let them see that you're not going to deal with them.
When I was younger, I made the mistake of thinking I could appease bullies. By being friendly to them, and letting them get what they wanted, I thought I could prevent them from behaving in the way they do. This was a big mistake.
Instead, the bullies drew the conclusion that there would be no downside to their behavior. By giving them positive reinforcement, I gave them permission to carry on.
What I should have done was let them see that I didn't want anything to do with them. One thing almost everyone fears, including bullies, is not being acknowledged. Even being hated is better than that.
So when you've determined that someone is a bully, if you can, keep yourself from having anything to do with them.
There they are, my three suggestions for dealing with bullies. None are a silver bullet, but they should help to reduce this problem from which we almost all suffer.
 | A good strategy for learning difficult subjects | | Some things are just difficult to study. They contain complicated facts that are confusing to the uninitiated. Having to learn such things can be a very frustrating experience! What's the best strategy to cope? |  | Don't buy into the "no fear" bulldust | | Okay, stand back and hold your breath. I'm about to question one of the quasi-religious commandments of personal development. It's the one that says fear is all bad and should be overcome. That the aim of life should be to "live without fear", usually followed by some blather about love being the opposite of fear. |  | Be generous to the future | | The future is like a giant spiritual bank account. You can invest in it, or withdraw from it any time you like. How you treat this bank account plays a big part in deciding how successful you are. | | It's hard to appreciate the emotional impact of something until you experience it | | When I was a young adult, the father of a friend of mine passed away. My friend had a very close relationship with his father, and was devastated. He went into a deep depression for a number of months. |  | Perfect contentment leads to stagnation | | Have a look at how so many of us live our lives. We get up in the morning, go out all day and work, work, work. Whether in a rich country or a poor one, a good neighbourhood or bad, you can be sure that most of the people around you will be working most of the time. | | Don't reward bad behavior in yourself and others | | Almost everyone has done things in life that they knew at the time were wrong. But sometimes, there seems to be an overwhelming force pushing towards what we know is going to be a bad outcome. Why can't we control ourselves? | | Recognise the two universes you live in | | One of my favourite works of fiction is His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman. It's about parallel universes that exist, similar to our own but all different. The main characters find doors between these universes and go off on great adventures. | | Find something to live for | | I've just finished reading Viktor Frankl's “Man’s Search for Meaning”, which I think is a very interesting book. Frankl is a neurologist and psychiatrist who has developed a theory called Logotherapy. | | Beef up your mental toolkit | | We are all born with certain reasoning tools which are popularly referred to as "common sense". We know that it's a good idea to avoid pain, for example. | | Accumulate lots of small victories | | When I was at school, a teacher told me an interesting fact. Well, when I say fact, I'm not sure if it was really true. It's more of an interesting allegory. He said that the ancient Romans used to build all their roads in a zig-zag pattern rather than a straight line. |
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