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Don't waste your life tied up in petty squabbles
Monday, 19 June 2006
There's a guy I know who always seems to be involved in some kind of dispute. He'll spend months fighting the council over a parking ticket, the tax office over his income tax, and his workmates over the volume of their phone's ring. No matter how small the disagreement, he just can't seem to let himself back down or drop it.
There's a very popular life philosophy that says you should never let anyone or anything push you around or take advantage of you. I certainly don't disagree with this sentiment, but some people need to learn its limits.
I meet individuals all the time who live by this idea above all others. Every tiny injustice the world serves up must be fought against with all their might. The problem is there's always something you can find to clash about, if you're looking hard enough. To my view, such people are wasting their lives tied up in petty squabbles.
Let's face it, the world we live in is far from perfect. If you drive a car, sooner or later you're probably going to get a ticket. If you go to work, there's almost guaranteed to be someone you don't get along with. If you have a family, someone in it is certain to do something annoying.
A lot of the time, you have to ask yourself: "Is there any value getting involved in a big fight over such a small thing?". A lot of the time, the answer is simply "no". A $100 parking ticket just isn't worth a week of sleepless nights, sore stomachs, bureaucratic wrangling, and angry phone-calls.
So you got a parking ticket? Get over it and move on.
If you look around there are almost constant small annoyances that could be turned into big disputes if the people involved chose to make them so. And many people do.
The problem with fights is once you start them, they often go in directions you didn't expect. They also usually end up costing much more than you think they will.
The leaders of many countries and groups have learned this lesson throughout history. You too can apply it to your personal life.
But if you show that you're not willing to fight, aren't you just going to be taken advantage of?
Not necessarily, because those with the "fight at all costs" attitude miss the more subtle ways that conflict can be avoided. There are three ways to steer clear of time and life draining conflicts that I've found to be useful.
The first is not to take things too personally. If someone criticizes you, listen to what they're saying. Perhaps they're right. If they insult you for no good reason, simply ignore them. Who cares what they think anyway? If they ask you to change some part of your behavior, such as turning down the volume on your phone, why no just do it? What difference does it make to you? And it obviously makes a difference to them.
The second method is self-protection. Avoid fights by thinking ahead about what could go wrong and taking steps to avoid it. A well-thought out contract should minimize the scope for dispute. Being organized should allow you to avoid being taken advantage of. Securing your property should prevent it being damaged or stolen.
The third method is simply to be a bit flexible and polite. In my experience, most people are decent if you show them that you expect them to be so and give them a certain level of trust. If you're polite to someone and treat them with respect - if you take steps to make them like you - they'll generally avoid doing something they know will end in a fight.
Choosing your fights carefully is an old idea, but a good one. If you spend your time tied up in petty squabbles, you're wasting your health and life on stuff that just doesn't matter. And in the end, they're the two most valuable things any of us possess.
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