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Feed people's need for recognition
Wednesday, 18 April 2007
I've never understood people who say "I don't care what others think about me". Of course, I don't think you should slavishly chase the approval of others. But having people like you is such a useful thing in so many parts of life, that it seems like a worthwhile thing to make an effort to achieve.
So, assuming you agree with me, here's a good trick for doing just that. A way to get people to like you is to feed their need for recognition.
We all like to receive positive feedback from others. Especially feedback we feel is sincere. Somebody doing something nasty to us can play on our minds for years. But so can someone saying something nice.
Think about the last time an acquaintance paid you a compliment you felt was genuine. Didn't it make you feel good about yourself and that person? Pay someone such a compliment, and their liking and respect for you will increase immensely. In fact, if you do it right, they will focus on you through the lens of that particular circumstance for the rest of your relationship. It's not unusual for the person in question to elevate you to one of their favourite acquaintances.
And this doesn't only work on the naive or the common. It's effective on almost everybody, from a professor of a top university to a homeless person.
So how do you pay someone a sincere compliment?
The first thing is to find something real to tell them about. Most people have something that they're clearly proud of. It might be their fashion-sense, their nationality, their car, or their achievements. Whatever it is, if you pay attention you should be able to figure out what a person feels deserves recognition. It may be as big as being in a powerful position, or as small as having a nice watch.
You have to be careful when choosing such a topic that you're not going to offend them. A woman wearing a low-cut top is unlikely to thank you for pointing out that you like her breasts, for example.
Once you've chosen the topic, the next thing is to make your compliment sound genuine. The way to do this is to mention it as if you're just making a general observation. Don't sweat, stammer and appear uncomfortable. Just say it in the same way you'd point out something like: "It's a hot day" or "That restaurant serves good food".
The aim is to make it appear genuine. And the easiest way to do that is to be sincere in your appreciation.
Once you've paid the compliment, move on. The last thing people want is someone they believe is sucking up to them hanging around. Don't labour the point, just make the observation and then continue to converse with them as normal.
You may not notice any immediate change in the person's attitude to you, but trust me if you do it right you eventually will. They'll take that little piece of recognition away and treasure it. And your face and presence will be permanently connected to it.
People work hard to make themselves rise above the crowd. They put effort into their appearance, their status, their personality and their finances. Most of us don't think we receive enough positive feedback for these efforts. You can use this deep need within people to make yourself more liked.
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