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Don't reward bad behavior in yourself and others
Wednesday, 17 May 2006
Almost everyone has done things in life that they knew at the time were wrong. But sometimes, there seems to be an overwhelming force pushing towards what we know is going to be a bad outcome. Why can't we control ourselves?
We also often have people in our lives who keep behaving badly no matter how hard we wish they wouldn't. They lie, steal, abuse, cheat, and hurt. How can we change their behavior?
If we look deep within ourselves and others, we can see that what drives people most of the time is incentive. Humans seek out reward, and the more certain they feel that reward is, the more desperately they seek it.
Even in the most apparently destructive of behaviors, there is likely some kind of incentive at play. People smoke to get a chemical hit. They eat too much to get a sugar and fat reward. They are violent and cruel because there is a basic instinct within us that can derive pleasure from such acts.
Look deep within most destructive human behavior and you can see that there is a perverse incentive scheme being followed - sometimes subconsciously. The desperation to receive a reward now can override the knowledge that negative consequences await.
Even the self-destructive act of suicide can hide some dark incentives. It can be used as a means of revenge - one final dramatic exit with a statement that can't be answered. It can be used to inflict emotional pain upon those who are perceived to deserve it.
If you look at the negative actions that you and those around you engage in, try to see the incentive to understand what's going on. There is probably some kind of reward underneath all the pain.
What is the inducement that's driving the behavior?
Finding the answer to that question can be a giant step towards recovery. A reward identified can be withheld.
For example, let's say you have a teenage son who says terrible things and reduces his mother to tears. Why would he do such a horrible thing? Underneath this negative behavior is probably a fascination at the response he can get from members of his family. He gets to enjoy the sadistic pleasure of witnessing someone who loves him becoming upset. His sense of self is boosted with the dramatic confirmation of that love.
The best way to change the behavior is to withdraw that reward. If the mother is strong and can show indifference, or even better to laugh off his stupidity, the boy will likely soon tire of this game.
The same method may work for a chronic drug user. Clearly, the pleasure given by the drug is the reward for what's otherwise very negative behavior. If the addict can deny herself that pleasure, by for example imagining the drug making her feel horribly sick at the time of injection, the addiction can likely be overcome. Rather than the rush of pleasure, concentrate on the sick feeling in the stomach, the paranoia, the disorientation and so forth.
Take away the pleasure, and the action loses its appeal.
This is a very simple idea, but it can be powerful in overcoming behaviors in yourself and others that you wish to change.
Don't reward bad behavior, and you've taken a big step towards removing it.
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