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Learn the skill of resilience
Thursday, 16 November 2006
I saw a very interesting TV documentary a couple of weeks back on the issue of happiness. It was asking what makes us happy and what makes happy people different from those who aren't.
One section particularly piqued my interest. It was an interview with a psychologist who had spent a number of years researching happiness. Unfortunately, I can't find a transcript, but I'll paraphrase what he said.
Basically, what he found was that everyone experiences tragedies and difficulties in life. Some are worse than others, but no-one escaped without some pretty harsh stuff happening to them every now and again.
You would expect that the intensity of the misfortunes faced by an individual would determine their level of happiness. But this wasn't the case found by the research. Instead, it was those who were most resilient to difficulties that reported the highest levels of happiness.
The researchers found some people who had faced relatively minor obstacles in life, yet they dwelled miserably on how horrible it all was. At the other end of the scale were those who'd experienced real tragedies - disabilities, unexpected deaths of loved ones, financial ruin - yet somehow managed to get over it and move on. Of course, there were all sorts of other cases also.
But the key factor was the level of resilience a person had to difficulties, not how bad those difficulties were. The psychologist even ventured that if you could measure someone's resilience, you could determine their level of happiness.
This makes me think resilience is a very important character trait to develop. Of course, some people seem to be born with naturally higher levels than others, but that's no excuse for not trying to improve your own.
I believe I'm a fairly resilient person, and also a fairly happy one. That's not meant as a boast, simply a bit of self-analysis.
I've been through quite a number of difficulties and challenging situations in my life, as you can see by reading this post. Of course, there are people who've had a much more difficult time of it than me, but my life hasn't always been filled with roses. Generally, I seem to have overcome many of the tragedies and challenges that have faced me.
When something bad happens to me, this is what I usually do.
Once the shock is over and the internal pain starts to kick in, I generally find the worst thing to do is to go into denial. When I was younger, I used to try to resist the pain, or pretend it wasn't there. But this just makes it worse. It's the typical "bottling it up" response.
The pain of tragedy is a bit like a bad cold. If you pretend you don't have it, and try to soldier on, you're just likely to just make it worse. Instead, you should rest up and give your body a chance to recover. Just allow time to let the whole thing get out of your system.
That's the same with difficulties and tragedy. They hurt inside at first, but acknowledge that the pain is there, give yourself plenty of rest, and let it work its way through. The old saying "time heals all wounds" is a good one.
Often, the pain of tragedy can seem overwhelming, as if it's the end of the world. But try to keep a little perspective. When I look back at troubles I was having five years ago, most of them seem petty and small to me today. I can't even imagine how they seemed so important at the time.
Try to remember that your present difficulties will likely look the same way in the not-too-distant future.
The other strategy I find works quite well is not to dwell on the past too much. Remember it, but don't let it rule over your life. The past is done and can't be changed, but the future is still to be determined. Spend most of your time thinking about the possibilities of tomorrow, rather than the catastrophes of yesterday.
Resilience is a skill worth developing. I've made a couple of suggestions here, but looking inside yourself is probably the best way to learn it. Look at difficulties you overcame in the past, and try to replicate the strategies that allowed you to do so.
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