|
How your identity can hold you back
Thursday, 15 November 2007
We all have this picture inside our heads of who we are. And let's face it, for most of us, we're probably a little bit more generous than reality warrants. Who doesn't secretly believe that they may be a little smarter, more attractive, and more moral than those around them?
We build up an identity of ourselves because without one, we'd be in an existential drift. Without some firm ground on which to stand with our personalities, we feel we'd simply fade away into nothingness.
This is all well and good, but the situation also exposes us to weakness.
Many times, I've been working with people who were extremely good at their jobs. They were competent and admired in their place of employment, and this formed an anchor in their identity which they could use to feel their existence was justified.
"I'm important and respected in my industry," they'd think to themselves, and smile on the inside.
And yet, often they wouldn't be happy in their workplaces. They'd talk about looking for jobs in other organizations - but they'd never do it.
This used to baffle me. I didn't think they'd have trouble getting new jobs, but they clung to the old hated ones like their life depended on it.
Eventually, I began to realise that it was probably because they were protecting their identity. If they went to job interviews and got turned down, that bullet-proof idea of themselves as champions of their profession would be shattered. And without that anchor, they'd be set adrift in a frightening world.
And so they never took the risk.
I also see it in people who want to attract a partner into their lives. They whine and moan about how difficult it is and blame the opposite sex for their problems. Yet, they never go out and attempt to woo anybody.
I suspect in some cases it's because part of their identity has something like "I'm attractive, I'm special" in it. By going out and trying to meet people, they risk getting rejected, and that wouldn't fit with their picture of themselves.
Of course there are millions of examples of this. You almost certainly have some of your own stored in your personal self-beliefs. Somewhere inside you is a firm picture of yourself as someone special. And you're probably afraid to test that assumption in the cold-winds of reality. Much easier to hide yourself away and imagine what a great person you are.
It hurts to have the assumptions about yourself shattered. No wonder so many people avoid it. Yet it is often a necessary part of personal growth.
Having reality highlight your incompetence with a hard slap in the face, and acknowledging that maybe you're not the champion you thought you were, is the first step towards competence. Have the courage to take it.
 | Get yourself some allies | | People I know who are introverted often tell me they don't really understand why outgoing people expend so much time and effort on socialising. They see it all as being a bit shallow and a waste of effort. But I think they miss the point in a lot of ways. |  | Enough hyperventilating about AdSense | | There's been a popular theme on lots of blogs lately about how much money there is to be made from Google's AdSense advertising program. For those not in the know, this basically involves earning money from Google ads like the ones on this site. Now AdSense is a great program, and I'm happy to make some good spending money from it every month. |  | What's the worst that could happen? | | Sometimes, I have dreams that I'm being chased. Often I'm not even really sure what it is that's pursuing me. All I know is that I'm running away from something that's right on my tail - just about to catch me with terrible consequences. |  | Focus on the problem, not on the person | | We all face challenges every day. Things in the world are seldom exactly as we want them, and we spend a large part of our lives trying to change that situation. | | Don't get sucked into destructive games | | As a follow up to my story on the games people play, I thought I'd explore a couple of incidents that have happened to me lately and how I tried to resolve them. My aim is to avoid getting sucked into the destructive games that many people insist on playing. |  | Become expert at identifying your own weaknesses | | We live in a society that promotes the cult of self-esteem. Anything goes as long as we feel great about ourselves, or so we're led to think. Believing we may have flaws is a big no-no and certain to have a negative impact on our success. |  | The world hates the weak | | About a decade ago, I had a job at a government office. My work mates were the enlightened and knowledgeable types that you often meet in such places. Their political views were generally what's considered progressive and many of them were involved in charity work. | | Why not to be a show-off | | We all want to be recognized for the good things we are or the great things we've done in this life. What's the point of being smart, beautiful, charismatic or strong if you can't be appreciated for it? | | Increase the difficulty level | | I've just got back from a fantastic week's skiing in Queenstown, New Zealand. If you've never been there, it's really one of the world's most beautiful spots. I got in a good five days skiing, and I think I improved my style quite a bit. |  | A neat trick for dealing with anxiety | | When I was younger, I used to get anxious a lot. I think this is partly to do with the fact that being a teenager is just a stressful time, but also because I hadn't learned to deal with anxiety. |
New articles are being added all the time, so make sure you bookmark Paul's Tips and come back.
|
|