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Assertiveness is about balance
Thursday, 13 December 2007
We've all met people who have a problem understanding assertiveness. Often, they're people who've spent much of their lives being walked over. One day, they get sick of putting up with this behaviour from others and do a complete flip. Suddenly, they're so busy being "assertive" that they don't realise how much they're annoying those around them.
There's a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness that you should try to understand. Mostly, it has to do with the emotional state you are in when you put across your point of view, and how tenaciously you cling to your position despite all costs.
It's true that being a passive person can lead you to all sorts of problems. Allowing others to walk over you because you're too polite or shy to stop them is definitely not a happy state of affairs. But that's no reason to move to the opposite extreme.
When deciding to take an assertive position, firstly decide if it's even worth doing so. If you're with a group of people who want to go to a Greek restaurant, then stubbornly insisting that you'll only be happy with Chinese isn't cool. You should be able to identify when it's just not worth pushing your own point of view. Being petty and stubborn just for the sake of proving a point is just going to lose you friends and respect.
Once you've decided the time to stand your ground has arrived, try to do so without getting emotionally worked up. Calmly state your position and refuse to move from that point. Don't yell, scream or argue. Listen to the other person, repeat what they've said, then simply explain that you disagree. Try not to bring ego or heat into the discussion. Just calmly and quietly state your case.
Assertiveness is about balance. You have to become tuned into when to stand your ground and when to back down. Once you've decided it's time to push back, do so as gently and calmly as you can, while still refusing to be over-ridden.
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