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What I know about how to meet and charm women
Tuesday, 7 November 2006
Women are a mystery to many men, me included a lot of the time. We desire them, but are also baffled by them. Despite all their bravado, most young men have no idea how to meet and charm women.
I was exactly the same. Over the years though, I've picked up a few clues as to what the best way to approach the problem is. I'm not claiming to be Casanova or anything, but I am married and have had a number of girlfriends previous to that. I've also spent a lot of time around women, and I'm sharp enough to pay attention when they're talking about relationships.
Of course, all women are different, and this is general advice rather than specific. It's not guaranteed to work perfectly in every situation. Think of it as rules of thumb rather than laws of nature.
Okay then, here are the tips.
Most dating advice for men is complete crap
Men don't have the same number of dating advice magazines as women, but there's still plenty of guidance out there. Whether it's your friends down at the pub, health magazines, movie plots or websites, advice widely available.
The quality of what's on offer is generally absolutely atrocious. The only conclusion I can draw is that most movie scriptwriters, advice column authors, and loud-mouth wannabee Casanovas know less than average about how to be successful with women.
So for the sake of my male readers, as well as the women who are exposed to these terrible tactics, lets clear up a few things right now:
- The ability to give them an orgasm is pretty low down on most women's list of traits an ideal partner should have.
- Your chances of getting a woman interested just by using the right pick-up line are virtually zero.
- Aggressive and bullying tactics are almost certain to be a big turn-off.
- Show-off stuff like cars, money and jewelry can help, but only if it's introduced subtly. Announcing to the world in a loud voice that you own a Mercedes just makes you look like a jerk.
- Your chances of being able to trick women into being attracted to you by playing mind games, wearing a particular fragrance, or some other underhand tactic are close to nil.
- Most of the stuff men care about is of little interest to women.
Go to where the competition isn't
The one tactic that will work better than almost any other is to go where the competition isn't. There have been times in my life, before I was married obviously, when I've struggled to get a date. And there have been other times when I've had my pick of a few different attractive and interested girls. The latter was pretty much always when I'd been in the right situation, when there was less choice of other men around.
Most guys will just go to where other guys are - bars, football games, technology fairs, pool halls, motor racing events, and so on. In those kinds of places you're likely to have ratios of five men to every one woman or worse. You've made the entire contest much more difficult before you even get started.
Women generally go for someone they've known for a while. For all the talk about falling in love with a perfect stranger, most women I know ended up with someone they'd spent at least a few weeks in regular contact with before anything happened.
There are tons of places you can legitimately spend time where the ratio of men to women gives you a far better chance than average. Try to look for activities that are more female-oriented and get yourself involved in them. Good examples included dance classes, theatre groups, yoga, creative writing classes and art school.
Make friends and flirt with girls you aren't attracted to
Most men only pay any attention to women they're immediately attracted to. Those girls who aren't the most desirable can be ignored or even treated badly. This is a huge mistake.
Any woman, however unattractive to you, almost certainly has friends you'll be interested in. If she likes you as a friend, she'll introduce you to her girlfriends. Meeting them that way makes things much easier than trying to pick them up in a crowded bar.
Even better, most women are heavily influenced by the behavior and opinions of their peers. If a girl can pick up that one of her friends is interested in you, she'll see you in a much more attractive light.
Be discreet
When a man has some sort of liaison with an attractive woman, he wants the whole world to know about it. It's proof of his virility and desirability and the more people who know about it, the better.
Women are the complete opposite. Most of them are terrified of being thought of as too promiscuous or easy. If something happens, they don't want you telling anybody about it. That's not to say they won't let the information out themselves, but they want to be the ones in control of it. If they find out you've been telling people, they're not going to be happy.
When I was younger, I thought bragging about my exploits would help me get ahead. It was proof that women wanted me and that's always a useful asset. But if a woman hears you talking about what you did with so-and-so, what's she's likely to think isn't "He must be a stud", but rather "If I ever do anything with this guy, he's going to tell everyone about it".
Look after your appearance
Most men completely underestimate how big an effect the aspects of their appearance they can control has on their attractiveness. Yes, some people are born better looking than others, but there's also a lot you can do with what you've got.
Think of the times some girl you've never really thought much of before turns out to be a complete knockout when she dresses up a bit. Or the occasions when you're completely put off a girl by something seemingly minor such as a bit of stray body hair or a bad tooth. Women probably notice these kinds of things even more than us males, so spend time taking care of your appearance if you want to get ahead.
Here are some suggestions of things you should be aware of, although it's not a complete list:
- Be ultra-hygenic. Wash daily, brush your teeth twice a day, wear new, clean, pressed clothes.
- Be more fashionable than those around you. Spend a bit of money on nice clothes. Get advice from women on what to wear. Skip the polo-shirt you got for free at that tech-conference or the t-shirt with your favorite band on it.
- Take care of your scent. Wear an expensive cologne, but think subtle not splashed everywhere. Eat mints after beer, spicy food, or coffee. Put on deodorant on a hot day, but again subtle not overwhelming.
- If you've got bad teeth, get them fixed. Straight, white teeth really improve your appearance.
- Keep your hair neat and well-cut.
- Lose the facial hair, nasal hair and ear hair.
Ignore the bad behavior tactic
Sometimes, it can seem like men that drink, swear, are violent and irresponsible do better than others. Look at all the women rock-stars get, for example. Many men I know try to fake being bad-boys in order to get ahead in this way.
But I think the whole bad-boy thing is a bit of a red-herring. Most of those who are successful and are also badly behaved have something else going for them. They may be very handsome, rich or famous. It's these traits that women like, and they convince themselves they like the other stuff just because it comes along as part of the package.
Handsome rock-stars can get away with dressing badly, taking drugs and sleeping around. You probably can't.
If things are going badly, you're unlikely to be able to turn them around
A typical movie plot goes something like this: boy meets girl, girl isn't interested, boy makes some enormous effort to prove depth of feelings to girl, girl changes mind about him and they live happily ever after. It's a nice story, but generally a complete fantasy. Of all the people I know, I can't think of a single situation where this has actually occurred.
At any particular time, a woman is either going to be attracted to you or she's not. Any conscious effort you make to change her mind is most likely going to be counter-productive.
A $1000 dinner paid for by a man she's not attracted to will just seem like an unwanted advance. A simple "bless you" by a man she likes after she sneezes will appear to her the most romantic thing in the history of the world.
That's just the way it goes.
I'm not saying she'll never change her mind about you if she's not attracted right now. What I am saying is that any conscious action on your behalf won't make her do it. Flowers, phone calls, fancy dates or love poems are just going to be perceived as some jerk who can't take "no" for an answer. Instead, just be around, relaxed and friendly. If you're really lucky, she'll change her mind in her own good time.
Keep her away from your friends
Friends and potential girlfriends don't mix. Introducing her to your buddies too soon is about the most dangerous thing you can do. Men generally can't help but try and sabotage each others romantic opportunities. If they get the chance, your friends will try to chat her up or put her off you in some other way.
There's also a high likelihood she just won't like your pals. When she sees you acting like a ten-year-old kid around them, she's probably thinking "What a bunch of jerks" not "Cool guys".
Do everything within your power to keep your friends away from any woman you're interested in for as long as possible. Don't tell them where you're taking her out to, don't invite her to boys nights out, and make it seem like you want to be with her not them.
It's all about her
When talking to a woman you're interested in, make it all about her. Ask lots of questions, although don't interrogate. Try to bring the conversation around to what she's interested in, then sit back and listen while she speaks. Avoid topics that men are interested in such as tech, cars, and especially sex.
Try to make her laugh, as the ability to do so is almost always a turn-on for women. Of course, skip the jokes if she looks bored or as if she isn't appreciating them. Dirty, violent or racist jokes are definitely a no-no.
Give her time
Women don't like to be rushed. Despite all the male fantasies, generally it's women calling the shots in most of these things. Be a bit patient with her and give her time to get to like you. If pushed to make a quick decision, most women will answer "no".
When the time to strike comes, be bold
A big mistake I made a number of times when I was young and single was not striking when the iron was hot. Timing is very important in getting anywhere with women. As I said above, they don't like to be rushed, but when they're ready, women want you to take some initiative.
If you're in a situation where it's pretty obvious she's expecting you to make a move, go for it. In many cases, it's likely you won't get a second chance.
How to go about it is always tricky, but as always, be respectful. I found just looking at her and asking shyly "Would you like to have a kiss?" is a good way of approaching it. She may play a little hard to get, but if she smiles and keeps looking at you, you can keep trying. She'll let you know if she isn't interested.
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