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Shaping the behavior of others
We all have people in our lives who we wish would behave differently. It may be the person who cuts us off when we're driving, or the work-mate who's abusive, or the child who's too rebellious. What can we do to make these people act in the way we want them to?
In reality, we all know that it's easy to get people to change the way they treat us. It's just that the change will most likely not be the one we want. Try shoplifting to see how quickly that nice clerk's attitude towards you changes. Shout at your partner and you can be pretty sure that they'll react badly. Tell your boss what you really think of her, and her behavior towards you will almost certainly change.
While exaggerated, these are the types of strategy that many adopt when trying to shape the behavior of others. Blunt, destructive, hurtful actions are almost certain to change the way someone treats you, as any child can work out. The problem is, that the changes are usually unpredictable and almost certainly negative. Any intelligent person soon figures out that such strategies are more trouble than they're worth.
Instead, you should look for ways to influence people that are likely to result in more positive changes. This is not easy to do!
The first point to make is that attempts to change someone's underlying personality are almost certain to fail. Some people are just badly behaved, and you are not going to be able to change them no matter how hard you try.
With most people, you can have some influence over the way they behave towards you, however. Here's how.
Get some leverage
In order to influence the actions of another person, the first thing you need is some leverage. That is, you need to have some level of control over something the person wants. The object of leverage can range from the material to the emotional.
If I control the size of your weekly pay-packet, I have some leverage. If you're in love with me, I have some leverage. If you think I have the ability to embarrass or make you look good in front of others, I have some leverage.
Leverage is the number one thing you need to influence another person. Without it, you are likely to get nowhere. That anonymous stranger in the internet chatroom probably doesn't mind that he just hurt your feelings. He doesn't know or care who you are, and your influence over him is therefore nil.
Some people try to use guilt to get leverage over others. This is unlikely to work in most cases. From what I've seen, it's extremely difficult to make others feel bad about their actions.
Reward good behavior
Once you have some leverage, the practice of behavior shaping is exactly the same for adults, children and pets. It contains two strategies, the first and most important of which is rewarding good behavior.
It always surprises me how much people underestimate the power of simply acknowledging good behavior. They think people only understand being hit bluntly over the head, but humans are more subtle creatures than that.
Most of us feel we get nowhere near enough recognition. We work hard, and try our best to get along with others. And yet mostly, our efforts get ignored.
I went to a presentation yesterday, where a senior bank executive made this comment: "You are not going to be rewarded and recognized for simply doing your job. You need to do something special instead."
Now I have no problem with the idea that people should be especially rewarded for extra effort above and beyond their usual duties, but this statement shows a woeful ignorance of human psychology. It reveals a common belief that people's efforts are worthless unless they do something absolutely spectacular.
If a company wants its employees to put in extraordinary efforts, the first thing to do is make them feel as if their everyday jobs are useful and important. Reward and acknowledge them for the effort they're putting in just keeping things running. Then reward and recognize them even more for spectacular efforts.
Simply refusing to show that work is worthy of any reward simply because it's not above and beyond the call of duty is inviting cynicism and token effort. Even worse, it invites passive-aggressive behavior, where a person who feels they are not being recognized deliberately does a bad job in revenge.
Give people something special for doing even tasks you feel they're obliged to complete. Recognizing effort goes an enormous way towards shaping behavior. This works just as well at home and with friendships as in the workplace. If someone is polite, or considerate, or completes a task, or undertakes some other behavior that follows what you'd like them to - reward them somehow.
People absolutely love being appreciated. If you compensate them even with a simple "thank you and well-done" for their efforts, you can expect that they'll respond by trying even harder next time.
Some feel that rewarding effort that isn't extra to what's expected is inviting laziness and complacence. On the contrary, I've found that once people realize you're going to appreciate their good behavior, they try even harder in most cases.
Because most people rarely use this strategy, it will give you a significant advantage when trying to shape the behavior of others.
Punish bad behavior
This is the strategy most people use when trying to influence the behavior of others. In general, I think it's a lot less effective than rewarding good behavior, but it can still work under the right circumstances.
Obviously, some actions are so abhorrent that the require immediate and powerful punishment. A murderer should be sent to prison for a long time, for example.
But most of us aren't murderers, and our bad behavior doesn't require excessive punishment. In 99% of cases where you decide to punish someone, you should do it subtly.
Show disapproval by ignoring the person, rather than shouting at them. Everyone hates to be ignored, and this is surprisingly effective. Try small punishments first by letting them know you don't approve calmly.
The problem with the punishment strategy is that most people simply use up all their firepower the minute they think someone has stepped over the line. This strategy rarely works over the long-term and often gives unpredictable results.
When I was a teenager, I had a friend who's father yelled at him for absolutely everything. If he left a dirty dish on the sink, he got yelled at, if he stayed out ten minutes late, he got yelled at, if he didn't do his homework, he got yelled at. Knowing he'd be punished excessively whatever he did, my friend saw no reason why he shouldn't just do whatever he wanted. By the time we finished school, he was stealing cars and taking drugs.
His father thought he was shaping his son's behavior by being strict and punishing severely. Instead, he used up all his ammunition early on. If someone's being yelled at every day, it's effect loses all power over them. If someone gets yelled at once a year, they're likely to remember that lesson.
Another problem with excessive punishment is it's likely to produce unexpected results. You can only really punish someone if you have some kind of leverage over them - if they care what you think or you control their income, for example. If someone feels you are abusing that leverage, they are likely to take actions to remove it.
A boss who's nasty to his subordinates every day is likely to see them walking out the door and into other jobs. A girl who uses a boy's attraction to her in order to make him feel bad, shouldn't be surprised if someone else steals him away. A parent who abuses their child should not be surprised if that child leaves home.
Use reward much more often than punishment when trying to shape the behavior of others. Punishment should be a last resort, and initially be used at a low level.
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