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The eleven biggest mistakes single men make with women
Saturday, 3 September 2005
Now I'm not pretending to know absolutely everything there is to know about women - no man ever can make that claim. I have spent time around a lot of women though, had a few girlfriends and am now married, so I've learned a few things along the way. From my own experiences and what I've observed from those around me, here are the eleven biggest mistakes men make when dealing with women.
Thinking there's some secret that, once learned, will make every woman fall in love with you
Hucksters the world over have long used this fantasy to try and make a quick buck. There is no magic trick to making women fall for you. All women are different. They are also much smarter than men when it comes to figuring out that someone's trying to manipulate them. If you try to deceive a woman into loving you, you'll likely just ruin your chances altogether.
Even worse are those men who try to force women to like them through aggressive courting tactics. This technique is almost guaranteed to backfire, despite what books on the subject may promise.
Not realizing that women are just ordinary people like us
Woman aren't angels sent down from the heavens to spend time with we lesser mortals. Nor are they lesser beings provided to serve us. They're just people like men. They have strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears just like we do. Realizing that women are just people will help you immensely when you're around them. Act like yourself and you'll be fine.
Believing that women are interested in all that macho nonsense
Women like a man to be manly, there's no doubt about that. But they're not impressed by all the nonsense men use to prove themselves to one another. If you think spitting, swearing and fighting are going to get you anywhere with women, you're wrong. They may put up with such behavior, but they're unlikely to approve of it deep down.
Men who go out of their way to prove themselves are looked upon as a bit pathetic by most women. A real eye opener can be to spend time with a group of men obsessively involved in proving themselves through manly pursuits like adventure sports, rally driving, or kick boxing. It's very common for such men to be without girlfriends.
Not having any female friends
Men are born completely ignorant of women's needs. In every aspect of the courting game, we start out as complete fumbling amateurs. We begin with no idea of what women like, what they think about or even how to talk to them. The best way to fill that gap in your knowledge is to cultivate a group of female friends. Spending time with women is the best way to get to know them.
Many men will have nothing to do with a woman that they aren't attracted to. This is a big mistake. Not only can such women teach you a lot, but even better, they can introduce you to their more attractive friends. The easiest way to start a relationship with a woman is to be introduced to them by a mutual friend. Don't blow that chance by thinking women you're not attracted to have nothing to offer.
Acting sexually desperate
There is no bigger turn-off for your average woman than a sexually desperate man. If you beg a girl you hardly know to go to bed with you, your chances of getting anywhere with her are minuscule. This goes double for pinching women on the bottom, grabbing their breasts or trying to look down their tops. She'll let you know when she's ready to go further, until she gives you these signals, keep your desperation in check.
Thinking there's no rush and you'll get another chance
Which brings me onto the next point. When a woman gives you a strong signal that she's interested and it's time to move to the next base, you'd better get running. This is a mistake I've made many times in the past. I've thought "I'm too tired for this, or I'm too nervous and shocked, if she likes me now she'll give me another chance later".
When women are ready for action, they expect you to step up to the plate. If you fail to do so when the signals are coming through loud and strong, don't expect to be given another chance later on.
Not knowing how to get things started
So you've had a nice date, you've walked her home and you're standing on her doorstep. She's looking up at you expectantly with big eyes and it's clear she expects something more. What now?
This is the point that we all sometimes collapse. There's nothing more uncomfortable than leaning forward for a kiss and being rejected. At the same time, it's a terrible mistake to waste such a rare opportunity. How do you resolve this crisis?
Here's a strategy that worked well for me. Simply say to her in a soft voice "Would you like to have a kiss?". Make sure that it's not an aggressive demand, but a shy request. If she's interested, she'll say yes and you can get on with the business. If she's not interested, she'll likely let you down gently from such a respectful request.
Not knowing when to give up
I know the movies are filled with touching stories of men who got their perfect girl through sheer persistence. But we're not living in a movie. If you've made a few attempts at pursuing a girl and she's let you down, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.
Calling her every night and hanging around her front door begging for a date isn't romantic - it's stalking. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as the saying goes, so realize it's time to move on.
Allowing yourself to get strung along
The situation of not knowing when to give up is further complicated when the pursued woman is stringing the pursuing man along. Some women find it very flattering to have desperate admirers following them around like lost puppy dogs. If you're the fall guy in this situation, you likely already know about it. Being strung along like this can be very difficult to get out of. Having to be with her becomes like an addiction that you can't break.
Struggle with yourself until you can get out of this situation. Like any addiction, the best method is to go cold turkey. Resist attempts to speak to her or see her. Avoid her as best you can. It usually doesn't take long for the addiction to wane, and within weeks you may be wondering what you ever saw in her.
An interesting twist on the cold-turkey strategy is that you may find the object of your desire becoming more interested in you. I've seen a man turn around being strung along more than once by simply appearing to lose interest.
Not going to where the girls are
The best way to hook yourself up with a woman is to meet as many of them as you possibly can. The fact is that most women you meet aren't going to end up in a relationship with you. Love is a numbers game in many ways - the more potential partners you meet, the more likely you are to come across the right one for you.
And the best way to meet a lot of women is to go where they are. There are lots of places where you are likely to be among groups of women. The best are classes, hobbies and clubs. Doing a course in an area that women are traditionally more interested in than men is a great example.
On guy I knew took up ballet classes during his teenage years. Many of his friends laughed at him, until he started turning up to parties with beautiful ballerinas in tow.
Presenting yourself badly
It always amazes me when I meet men who complain they can't get a date and yet maintain a sloppy appearance. Women are very focussed on how people present themselves, and if you don't put in a bit of effort you're just making things difficult for yourself.
Poor personal hygiene, long greasy hair, unkempt beards, old unironed clothes with stains on them, yellow teeth, body odor, nasal hair and bad breath are almost guaranteed to turn off any woman. Put some money and effort into your personal appearance and you'll reap the rewards many times over.
So there they are, the eleven biggest mistakes I've observed. Hopefully some of them help you find your perfect partner.
 | Convince people to sell themselves to you | | What do you want from others? Love? Respect? Money? Fame? In many social relationships there is a component of power involved. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but it's a fact so you might as well deal with it. In many one-on-one interactions, you will notice that one person is more dominant than the other. One is calling the shots, while the other reacts. |  | The world hates the weak | | About a decade ago, I had a job at a government office. My work mates were the enlightened and knowledgeable types that you often meet in such places. Their political views were generally what's considered progressive and many of them were involved in charity work. |  | Make good attributes part of your identity | | We all have a picture of who we are inside our heads. Sure, you might be an accountant who lives in Miami, but it extends much further than this. | | Is it better to read fiction or non-fiction? | | One of the most popular articles I’ve written on this site so far has been Five excellent mind habits to develop. It’s been generally well received, but I have come in for some criticism for my belief that it’s a better mind habit to read non-fiction than fiction. | | Who your friends are will have a big influence on who you are | | Of all the influences on our thinking, our interactions with others is probably the most important one. Those who we talk to on a regular basis have a much larger authority over our perception and feelings than many imagine.
|  | A central component of long-term happiness | | What makes us happy? Many people would look at material thing - a good car, a big house, nice holidays. Others would say friends and family. These are all extremely important. | | A good way of punishing bad behaviour in others | | Most of us know the maxim that we should reward pleasing behaviour in others and punish the bad. But most people tend to do the punishment side completely wrongly. The thing is when it comes to that, many people underestimate how badly things will make the other person feel. | | Incompetent people tend to overestimate their skill level | | Something interesting happens to me whenever I try to learn a new skill. I tend to underestimate just how hard it's going to be. For some reason, part of me thinks I'm going to be naturally talented at it, even though I have no evidence for that being the case. |  | Learn how to prioritize | | Why do some people work hard yet achieve almost nothing, while others seem to get lots done with very little effort? The answer is to be found in prioritization skills. |  | How to give up smoking | | I smoked for seven years, averaging a packet a day. I was completely addicted to nicotine and the cigarette habit for a time. It's now been fourteen years since I last had a cigarette. Here's how I did it. |
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