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Learn how to develop an emotional connection with people
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
What is it about those who are close to you outside your family that makes you care about them? Is it that they're the most attractive, smartest or charming people you've ever met? Probably not.
Is it that you spent time together in some environment such as school or work? This is likely, but isn't the whole story. After all, there are many other people in those environments you didn't develop a lasting relationship with.
No, the main factor is that you developed an emotional connection with those who become close to you. That's what you share with your best friends, your lovers and other special people in your life. There's a spark between you that just doesn't exist with most other people. There's a link between you on an emotional level.
This seems obvious, but it's something not too many people think about. When asked, usually they'll talk about sharing a common interest, a similar outlook or being in regular proximity. But in my own life, and those around me, I find I form strong relationships with all sorts of different people. Many of them don't get along. It's the emotions between us that creates the bond, rather than more tangible factors.
What this tells you is that, with those whom you want to form a new relationship, the emotional connection is key. Often, people try to impress when they want to attract someone else into their life. They boast about their achievements, or try to dress like a person who fits in. But being clever at building an emotional relationship can overcome any of these factors. It's also much faster.
The problem is that people are often wary of forming an emotional attachment to others. We're generally extremely choosy about who we'll let into our lives based on such things.
Yet, this doesn't mean it necessarily takes time. I've formed strong bonds with some people within hours of meeting them. Others, I've known for years, yet I barely even notice them. I'm sure you're the same.
So it's something about the particular circumstances and the particular person that allows such a connection to form. Generally, it has to be a time when we're open to letting someone new into our lives. Catching people during this period will make you much more successful.
Secondly, you have to appear as the type of person worthy of such a connection. Bad personal hygiene, or rude conversation will be an immediate turn-off, for example.
Thirdly, you have to get past fact-based small talk. Unless you're spectacularly attractive, few people are going to feel anything for you while you talk about your job. You have to find something deeper.
Generally, I find the best way to form such a bond is to get into talk about feelings. This works equally well on men or women, but has to be approached carefully. People will become suspicious if you immediately enter this realm.
A good example was a colleague I once worked with. We had got to the point where we had general chit-chat, but nothing really meaningful. Then, one day we got into talk about how we had both lost our fathers at a relatively young age. This is obviously a subject filled with emotion, and that one discussion probably changed our relationship from acquaintances to friends.
If you can convince somebody to talk about something important in their lives and how that made them feel, this is a great way to form a bond. If you react in a sympathetic and empathetic way, they'll likely think well of you.
The way to bring people into your life is not to bully, boast or flirt. The most effective method is to work on forming emotional connections. This is a learned skill that you can improve on with practice.
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