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Too much self-belief can be expensive
Monday, 3 September 2007
We are often told about how important self-belief is. We're told to be optimistic, think positive and view ourselves as born special and unique. This is all well and good, but at times it can also be damaging. Too much self-belief can actually limit your potential.
In fact, my experience has been, from observing myself and others, that too much self-belief is a bigger problem than too little. It happens so many times that people enter a situation with excessive views about their own potential, that it seems to be a hard-wired part of human nature. Lots of research points to the fact that humans tend to overestimate their own value. This isn't a good thing.
A perfect example is when we start school. Up to that point, we've generally been led to believe that we're a pretty special and lovable person. Most people we meet up to then - our parents, grandparents and their friends - have given pretty positive reactions. Indeed, they think we're adorable.
Suddenly, we arrive in the school-yard and find - shock, horror - that some people don't like us. Indeed, they go out of their way to let us know that we're pretty low down on the value chain, as far as they're concerned.
One minute, we're the most valuable person in the world, the next we're struggling to maintain any sort of status whatsoever.
This can be a pretty bruising experience. The social competition of the school-yard is ruthless and cruel. It's no wonder some people never fully recover from this experience.
Yet, most children, once they've got over the initial shock, use the challenge presented to better themselves. They realise that they weren't born to be the most valuable person in the world, and they'd better learn some skills to improve their standing quick-smart. Thus, social skills are developed.
The mating game is another area where reality meets expectations with a loud clash. Almost all of us reach a point at some stage, where we realise that we're not the most attractive person on the planet. Some hit this earlier, some later, but we all get there at some stage.
That's why unrequited attraction can be so painful. We see ourselves as the most attractive and amazing person ever born, and it hurts when reality tells us otherwise. Yet in this cruel awakening lies the seeds of self-improvement. We can go to the gym, diet, learn about fashion and pick up conversational skills. Paradoxically, realising we're nothing special motivates us to become something special.
You can observe this pattern all around you. Intelligent and arrogant young-people enter the job market to find themselves doing photocopying and going for coffee. Former celebrities find themselves broke and alone. Mathematics PhDs lose all their money on a bad investment.
Our own beliefs about ourselves are usually rosy, while reality takes a much dimmer view.
Situations like this are facts of life. And boy do they hurt. But it's in how you react to them that success is to be found. When the world tells you loud-and-clear that you're not as great as you thought you were, it's natural to want to go into denial. To lock yourself in your room and continue trying to hold onto the fantasy that you're somehow special.
But don't let that tendency become a habit. Once the initial shock and hurt has worn off, admit the truth to yourself. And be determined to put in the work to improve. This is the more difficult road, of course. Maintaining a fantasy while carefully not allowing reality to intrude may be comfortable. But it's also pathetic.
Go out and face the world. Learn how to become a better person after you get hurt. That's the true path to success.
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